Sometimes as I am trying to fall asleep (like last night), I find my mind going into over drive instead of shutting off so I can sleep. The scenario's that I dream up of in my mind certainly keep me up at night. The horrible reality is some of these scenarios could really happen. Most of the thoughts that keep me up at night involve Ashley and sometimes Brad. Sometimes I start to fall asleep only to be startled awake with one of my scenarios or as I call them my "awakemares."
Scenario one: I am awakend with Ashley's screaming, not just any scream but a scream of fear. She is throwing up blood, not just like regular throwing up blood but like the Exorist throwing up. She is projectile vomiting all over her room. Of course, I run to her room, dial 911 and then try to erase that scenario and go back to sleep.
Scenario two: Before I go to bed at night which is usally three or four hours after the kids go to bed, I check on them, cover them up, turn off TV's (if any are on), shut closet doors (because I cannot stand to go to sleep with the closet doors open.) and then give them each a kiss goodnight while caressing their hair. This scenario involves me going into Ashley's room only to find her laying in her own blood. She's breathing but barely. Again, I shake my head to get rid of this scenario saying it will never happen and I try hard to believe my words.
Scenario three: Ashley is at a dance competition, she is dancing beautifully when all of the suddent she collapses and blood flows out of her mouth and onto the stage. I, of course, rush the stage and the judges get on the microphone telling anyone, someone to call 911. Again, I just shake my head to get rid of those nightmarish thoughts and try again to go to sleep.
Scenario four: Ashley and Brad are home from school for summer break, and I am at work when I receive a call from Brad hysterically yelling into the phone. He hangs up, and calls back but this time on the caller ID it has our phone number with 911 on the end of it. What is this emergency about? Is it something about Brad or Ashley? And as usual, I close my eyes tight, open them, and close them again praying that this scenarios outcome will not come to fruition.
Can these scenarios really happen? Unfortunately, yes. With Ashley's liver disease and so many unknowns, any of these scenarios could become reality. The bleeding episodes are my greatest fear. Because of Ashley's low platelet count she could very well throw up blood or worse bleed out and we will not even know it. And I have heard many families of children with Ashley's liver disease experience these realities.
These scenarios and many others are what keeps me up at night most of the time. The postive about dreaming up these scenarios is that I will be prepared. Or will I? Ashley's disease is such a mystery, I have no idea what is going to happen next. Or how old Ashley will be when it all ends either by liver transplantation or death. I prefer liver transplantation of course.
Do these scenarios grip my life and make it difficult to live normally? Not at all, they only make it hard for me to sleep. While I am going through the paces of my every "day" life, I hardly think of scenarios that are so nightmarish only scenarios that could, would, should help bring more money to my family or how I can find time to go back to school to become a nurse. Those scenarios I want to come true.
Scenario one: I am awakend with Ashley's screaming, not just any scream but a scream of fear. She is throwing up blood, not just like regular throwing up blood but like the Exorist throwing up. She is projectile vomiting all over her room. Of course, I run to her room, dial 911 and then try to erase that scenario and go back to sleep.
Scenario two: Before I go to bed at night which is usally three or four hours after the kids go to bed, I check on them, cover them up, turn off TV's (if any are on), shut closet doors (because I cannot stand to go to sleep with the closet doors open.) and then give them each a kiss goodnight while caressing their hair. This scenario involves me going into Ashley's room only to find her laying in her own blood. She's breathing but barely. Again, I shake my head to get rid of this scenario saying it will never happen and I try hard to believe my words.
Scenario three: Ashley is at a dance competition, she is dancing beautifully when all of the suddent she collapses and blood flows out of her mouth and onto the stage. I, of course, rush the stage and the judges get on the microphone telling anyone, someone to call 911. Again, I just shake my head to get rid of those nightmarish thoughts and try again to go to sleep.
Scenario four: Ashley and Brad are home from school for summer break, and I am at work when I receive a call from Brad hysterically yelling into the phone. He hangs up, and calls back but this time on the caller ID it has our phone number with 911 on the end of it. What is this emergency about? Is it something about Brad or Ashley? And as usual, I close my eyes tight, open them, and close them again praying that this scenarios outcome will not come to fruition.
Can these scenarios really happen? Unfortunately, yes. With Ashley's liver disease and so many unknowns, any of these scenarios could become reality. The bleeding episodes are my greatest fear. Because of Ashley's low platelet count she could very well throw up blood or worse bleed out and we will not even know it. And I have heard many families of children with Ashley's liver disease experience these realities.
These scenarios and many others are what keeps me up at night most of the time. The postive about dreaming up these scenarios is that I will be prepared. Or will I? Ashley's disease is such a mystery, I have no idea what is going to happen next. Or how old Ashley will be when it all ends either by liver transplantation or death. I prefer liver transplantation of course.
Do these scenarios grip my life and make it difficult to live normally? Not at all, they only make it hard for me to sleep. While I am going through the paces of my every "day" life, I hardly think of scenarios that are so nightmarish only scenarios that could, would, should help bring more money to my family or how I can find time to go back to school to become a nurse. Those scenarios I want to come true.
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